COMPANION BOOK
Michael Conrad Kelley & Keith E. Renninson
Twinkletopia, LLC
Copyright © 2005 & 2006
TABLE OF CONTENTS
I. Introduction
II. How To Use This Companion Book
III. Zooch the Pooch is Design for 4 to 8 Year-Olds
IV. Develop Your Own Philosophy of Life and Death
V. Stages of Grief
VI. Using the Concepts of Life Presented in Zooch the Pooch
VII. Handling Questions From Children
VIII. Some Last Thoughts
INTRODUCTION
Zooch the Pooch was inspired by the death of Darrel Garza, and I would encourage you to read the dedication to Darrel in the front of the children’s book before reading this companion book. It is the desire of the authors of Zooch to assist parents, guardians and children through the emotionally difficult times that precede and follow the death of a friend, family member or pet. Please understand, we are only providing a parenting tool to begin the process of understanding these concepts, and you should always consult a priest, minister, licensed therapist or social worker if you feel more serious issues are presenting themselves.
Zooch was written in a thoughtful manner to introduce many facets of life to children such as: courage, having diversity in friendships, kindness, benevolence, caring for and about others, experiencing the loss of a friend due to circumstances, like moving away, and, of course, about death.
We hope that you will find this companion book helpful in dealing with a recent death with a child that is close to you. The contents herein are designed to help you begin your journey through the philosophical process of developing your own perspective and passing it along to the child in question. Zooch and this companion book are a starting place, but they are not meant to be a complete or final guide to understanding life’s issues.
You will find additional reference books and websites listed at the end of this companion book to further your knowledge on the subject.
HOW TO USE THIS COMPANION BOOK
If you are reading this book, you’ve undoubtedly had or will have a death in the family that you need to talk to a child about. As all adults know, deaths can occur unexpectedly or we may have advance notice as with a terminally ill person.
With children, a death can be experienced with a schoolmate, neighbor, family member, pet or family friend, so the child may or may not be close to the deceased. In any case, handling the issue in a quality manner is crucial for the development of the child’s outlook on life.
I recommend that you read the children’s book Zooch the Pooch first, and by yourself. This step will allow you to see how the book is laid-out and the various issues about life that it illustrates. Become familiar with the artwork, the names of the dogs and how they each play a part in the story.
Secondly, really use this companion book. By that I mean, underline portions that stand out to you, write in the margins anything you want to remember or highlight passages for future reference that you find particularly helpful. Since it isn’t very long it won’t take you much time to grasp the concepts and formulate your plan to read Zooch to your child.
Thirdly, make sure you are firm in your own belief system about God, courage, friendships, life and death. The questions that a young mind may ask will challenge the strength and resolve of your own philosophy about our life here on earth and in the hereafter. You are the child’s only source of knowledge in this arena, so take time to do this job well. Developing your own philosophy will be discussed later in this book, but be ready for this discussion and respond openly and constructively.
Finally, it is best if you are mentally and emotionally prepared before talking with your child. Understanding the process of grief, and your relationship to it will help you to be strong, yet comforting with your child.
ZOOCH THE POOCH IS DESIGNED FOR 4 to 8 YEAR-OLDS
Even though the 4-to-8-age bracket is the target audience, Zooch can be used with children younger and older as you see fit. It was written for the young mind to easily grasp, understand, and hopefully, stimulate questions, which will help your child to open up and discuss their feelings about death. Children will immediately relate to the “doggie” concept because they are often in contact with real, stuffed or imaginary animals. They also live at the same height as most little animals and have a natural bond because of size.
It isn’t unusual at these ages for children to have been exposed to the birth of a baby sister or brother, so the process of the beginning of life may have already been broached. If this is the case, then the logical next step is to discuss the other concepts of Zooch such as having friends and caring for them, which the book illustrates in the opening pages.
Life is everything that happens between birth and death, and this understanding must be emphasized to make your child realize that, hopefully, a lot occurs between the two. Your child must be brought to understand that just because a death has occurred to someone close doesn’t mean that it will now happen to him or her.
Zooch discusses with Scully the death of his brother in the beginning pages of the book offering a small insight to his feelings and how he has handled it. This portion of the book sets the stage for different and more severe loss later on. If there has been another death in the past that wasn’t close to the family, or as well discussed because your child was at a younger age, might make this a good time to remind the child of that occurrence, and how life kept moving on without that person much like Zooch does.
A concept that is often difficult for young minds to accept is change. Change is one of the only constants in life, and we are surrounded with it daily. The arrival of a new brother or sister, the loss of a friend at school because they moved away, a new teacher, even divorce or death may occur unexpectedly, and discussing these types of changes with your child will give them a deeper understanding of how life works.
On pages 20-21, Zooch and his crew lose two good buddies, Linky and Huckle, when they each move to new neighborhoods; all of the dogs have to learn to live without them in their lives. This is yet another way to illustrate to your child how loss and change can occur and how to deal with it as part of life.
We live in a very diverse world today, and an integral part of Zooch’s story learning to accept people from all walks of life and backgrounds, different races, gender, size, age, habits, color and religion. He tries to convey a sense of fair play, humor, belonging and friendship that transcends all boundaries of life. Learning how to live a life of goodness, courage, moderation and truth can easily be taught at this point of the book.
DEVELOP YOUR OWN PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE & DEATH
If you personally have a solid understanding of life and death you can better pass this information along to your child. None of us truly understand the meaning of life or what awaits us after death, but if you have religion in your life, this can be a time to discuss your beliefs with your child if you haven’t already. No matter what your what your beliefs consist of, you want to build confidence in your child’s mind that life is a good thing, filled with wonderful experiences, people and places and even though all things must come to an end, faith in your religion, life philosophy and God will carry you through.
A philosophy of life consists of knowing you can excel, that there will be up times and down, that it takes strength of character and courage to follow life’s path. But, within your beliefs, you also have an understanding that an unexamined life isn’t worth living, as Aristotle once said. A life well examined will reveal a depth of character and personal strength that will carry you through the most trying of circumstances. Being responsible for your actions, and strong in your convictions about life, will enable you to move through life’s experiences with confidence. These character traits will come through to your child as you explain the process of life. Use these tips to help you establish your life philosophy:
· Within your philosophy become the teacher that you can be from the years of experiences you’ve had; pass these lessons along to your child in times of stress.
· Lead by example, cry if you feel like it, be mournful, express your feelings of loss, but be available to your child at the same time. They will not have the luxury of calling upon an established philosophy of life; they will need to see yours in action.
· Display courage and strength.
o Show your emotions, but also let your child see you recover from them.
o Show your child that expression of feelings helps the healing process; repressed emotions have a way of surfacing later in life in ways that might not be so positive.
o There is no absolute right or wrong way to talk to your child in a calm, quiet and thoughtful manner, just do your best, that’s all anyone can ask of you.
o Knowledge is power; give that power to your child so they can cope also.
o Give honest answers when asked, and take your time.
o Above all do not avoid talking with your child about the death.
STAGES OF GRIEF
It won’t be appropriate to share the Stages of Grief with your child, but so you are be familiar with them, we give you an abbreviated version here. For more references on the grieving process see the reference section at the end of the book.
1. Shock—The initial stress of an impending death or one that has just occurred often leaves an individual in a state of shock. People often experience a numbness and confusion, as if they are observing the events from the outside. Also, it isn’t unusual to wonder why they can’t cry and feel guilty about it. Shock usually will end in a few days or weeks when the realization of the death settles in.
2. Negotiating with God—We humans often turn to a higher power when confronted with a serious situation or death and try to make a deal with God such as: “I’ll be a better person if you’ll save Uncle Bill,” or “Please bring Mom back and I’ll never be bad again.” Be realistic when you see this stage and explain to the child about the finality of death. Provide extra attention and love at this time until the child realizes that negotiating isn’t going to work to eliminate their grief and pain of loss. This is a good time to discuss the faith of your household, talk about God’s plans, discuss heaven and how you view it.
3. Denial—This is a particularly difficult stage for adults and children. Adults may repeatedly visit the gravesite or keep the deceased persons belongings and rooms just as they were when they were alive. It can also be very confusing, but if you have formed your philosophy of life you will be better prepared to accept the loss. Being able to accept death often comes from support groups, friends, priests, trained therapists or family members. Children may exhibit denial as hidden grief by: acting up at school, acting as if nothing has happened, reverting to baby talk or throwing temper tantrums. Additional time is needed to sit and talk out why they are acting why they are, making the child understand that it’s okay to feel anxious and confused, but they need to accept the loss and begin to act as they normally would in life.
4. Depression—Feelings of being lost, discouraged or confused are normal in this stage for both adults and children. Children may act with guilt as if they caused of the death. They may feel they were abandoned for some mysterious reason. At this time, you may also be experiencing depression, so guard against these feelings by finding help for yourself, then take care of your child. Seek professional counseling if necessary, think positively about your future, and openly discuss your feelings with a family member, priest or therapist.
5. Anger—It’s not unusual for adults and children to be angry at: God, the person that died or friends and family members. Laying blame at the feet of a doctor, caregiver or friend is also common. Many children will be angry at their feeling of abandonment. Most often, once the anger has been expressed and is out in the open, it dissipates. This is a sign the grieving process is about over. During this time the child needs more attention, affection, love and time to talk about why they are angry.
6. Acceptance—This can be a very fluid stage, fluctuating between complete acceptance and lingering depression or denial or anger. Just when you think your grieving is over, you find yourself lapsing back right when you don’t need to. Try to maintain regular activities, spend time with family and friends, and begin to exercise again, continue with good eating habits and find humor in what ever presents itself to perk up your feelings. Memories of the deceased will be looked upon with fondness and love in this stage, and a healthy, normal mental outlook should return stronger than ever.
USING THE CONCEPTS OF LIFE PRESENTED IN ZOOCH THE POOCH
Zooch is designed for the 4-to-8 age group, so that a parent, grandparent or guardian can spend quality time with their child and explain many concepts of life including death. Living in a world where many children are cared for by daycare workers and teachers, Zooch is the perfect parenting tool with which to connect with your child at a time when they need you most.
As you read Zooch the Pooch with your child, talk about the characters and how they react to each other before Zooch’s death. Even in the minor dog fight that takes place can teach them how there was concern for Huckle from Linky; how he chased after him not to fight. Laugh together at the “Linky Crumple” when he gets accidentally bit on the rump. Then point out the courage in Zooch to jump in and stop the fight.
Zooch also illustrates the concept of acceptance of friends of all kinds, so be sure to point out: how he helped new dogs become friends with the pack, how he accepted Biscuit’s constant munching on an old doggie biscuit, T’s quiet and shy demeanor, and avoided Linky’s jumping fleas. Most of all show how friendships grew from acceptance, humor, courage and loss.
As you read each page, also discuss the story in conjunction with the accompanying artwork. Talk about other concepts: losing friends that move away, Huckle apologizing to Linky for biting him, playing with friends near a stream and respect for friends that have taken care or concern for us.
When Zooch becomes ill and dies, the tone turns serious, and we see Scully and the rest of the pack, go through some of the stages of grief. You may or may not get questions at this point from your child, or they may ponder a while before asking you anything. In either case, be re-assuring and understanding when you explain how the story relates to the death or loss in your family. If at any point you feel the child’s attention is waning stop and pick up with the book the next day, just make sure you finish it so they get the full understanding the book is intended to provide.
When you finish reading the story ask how the child feels, get them to talk a little if they feel like it and find out what they are thinking. This will give you a sense of how they are taking the loss.
If you find it appropriate, tell them the story of Darrel Garza, show them the photo album and dedication in the front of Zooch the Pooch. Use Darrel’s family as inspiration, illustrating how a family moves on after accepting a death. Explain, once again if it’s appropriate, that Darrel’s wife was pregnant, how she called upon her courage to have her baby without her husband and continue on with her life with her family. This explains the cycle of life to a young child in a beautiful way, tragic to be sure.
HANDLING QUESTIONS FROM CHILDREN
Since you are reading this book, I’ll assume that you already know how to talk to a child, using language they understand and concepts they can grasp. As I have related earlier in this book, being prepared is key. When you finish reading the book you must be prepared for the questions that will follow either immediately or in a few days.
Common questions are:
· Why did ________ die?
· Why did God take ___________ from us?
· What is God like?
· What is a soul?
· Where is heaven?
· Did God want _________ to suffer?
· What is faith?
· Does it hurt to die?
· Am I going to die?
I won’t tell you how to answer each of these questions, but having formed your own philosophy of life and have an understanding of death will prepare you to give answers that will satisfy your child…only if, you are satisfied with them and believe them too. Children will see right through you if you aren’t being honest. If you honestly don’t know how to answer a question simply say, “I don’t know.”
Take time to answer these questions for yourself before you read Zooch to your child. There other questions that may arise see if you can think of any and be prepared for them too.
SOME LAST THOUGHTS
This is a time of patience and paying attention, don’t rush the healing/grieving time with yourself or your child. Be kind to all parties involved, as they all have feelings to deal with just as you do. Be loving to strengthen the bond between you, your child and your family. Be strong and supportive, but be sure to attend to your own grief while you manage your child’s learning experience. You will also have other decisions to make such as, whether the child attends the funeral, do they view the deceased, etc. Be kind to yourself and ask others for advice, don’t take everything on your shoulders, this is not a time to be a martyr.
Seek and find the positive growth in this process, you may be surprised at the strength of character you display with your child, but that will be a good thing. We humans grow at times of stress, and life becomes better because of it.
Recommended Reading and References used in Zooch the Pooch:
On Death and Dying…Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
Healing Grief: Reclaiming Life After Any Loss…James Van Praagh
Butterflies: Talking with Children about Death, and Life Eternal…Rev. P. William VanderWyden
The Internet is a fabulous resource for those that know how to find useful advice. However, with that said, it can be a daunting task to find exactly the website you need, not to mention the right information that fits your immediate problem. So, we have listed below sites we at Twinkletopia, LLC currently recommend:
www.griefcompanion.org/grief/bereavement-sites (exceptional)
Copyright © 2005 & 2006
Twinkletopia, LLC